How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !

Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ?So that they can pack the defence !

Q: What’s the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One’s a glueless kit and the other’s a clueless git!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game ?It was a cup draw !

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.

Where do football directors go when they are fed up ?The bored room !

Did you hear about the underwater snooker player?He was a pool shark!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ?Player: I finished it in three days !

Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Damn.” A bad skydiver goes, “Damn.” WHACK!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom ?Captain: Well, it could have been worse.Manager: How ?Captain: There could have been more teams in the league !

Q: What did the football say to the football player?A: I get a kick out of you.