Why do cemeteries have fences around them?Because people are dying to get in.

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, “Look, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to throw the switch in a minute.” The man said, “Do me a favor and throw it out the window!”

Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: “Leave it to Beaver.”

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. “Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I’d like to be buried at sea.” So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, “Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their […]

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover’s funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. “Message?” she sputtered. “Well, I guess, ‘You will be missed.”‘ Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her […]

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he […]

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. “There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!” “Oh, my God!” says his friend. “Surely he must have died!” “Of course. He was […]

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?Pupil: Dead ?, I didn’t even know he was sick !

A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, “Have you got any books about committing suicide?”The librarian said, “Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf.”The chap came back a few moments later and said, “I can’t find any at all.”The librarian replied, “Yes, it’s awful. They never […]

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, […]

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They put his left leg in….Well, you know the rest.

Q: What is the definition of Death?A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.