What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?Invite an accountant.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?Lost

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant.The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions.”Was he tall or was he short?”The businessman replies, “Both!”

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.”You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. […]

What does an accountant use for birth control?His personality.

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I’m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We’re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?” The owner replies, “I don’t have […]

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn’t prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time […]

Why accountants don’t read novels?Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What’s an extroverted accountant?One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.

When do accountants laugh out loud?When somebody asks for a raise

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income […]