What do you call a python with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer.
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed? Sleep in the wardrobe.
First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that’s vanity? Second girl: No, it’s imagination.
Fred: What’s that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!
I’m not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that’s the problem – you don’t please anyone.
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, “Will it be alright if I have a bath while you’re having your lunch?””It’s okay with me lady,” said the plumber, “as long as you don’t splash my sandwiches.”
Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I’d drunk the bath there wasn’t room for medicine.
Boy: Dad, dad, there’s a spider in the bath. Dad: What’s wrong with that? You’ve seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!
