It’s not what you say, but the way you say it.On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: “Time stands still when I look into your eyes.”The girl was very flattered.What the boy had really meant was, “You have a face that would stop a clock.”

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.A farmer replied, “Joe’s mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.””Well,” replied the man, “she must have had a lot of friends.””Nope,” said the farmer, […]

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law’s death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.He replies, “Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.”

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, […]

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.”Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate […]

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”Johnson: “But I want you to.”Wife: “But why?”Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: “You’re what?!?”

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.”It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?””Probably that I married you for your money.”

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven’t changed at all!

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.”Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became […]

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to […]