Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate?Psychiatrist: You’ve got multiple personalities.

Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?

A woman entered a psychiatrist’s consulting room leadind a kangaroo.”I’m worried about my husband, doctor, ” she said. “He keeps thinking he’s a kangaroo! “

Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I’m going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ?I can’t understand it either, because I planted cabbage !

What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats? You know you need a psychiatrist!

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

Psychiatrist: Well, what’s your problem? Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black shoes.Psychiatrist: There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself.Patient: Really? How do your like yours – fried or boiled?

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.

“The trouble is,” said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, “that I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t tell jokes, I can’t act, I can’t play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!” “Then why don’t you give up show business?” “I can’t – I’m a star!”

Fred: “Why are you so upset?” Harry: “My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.” Fred: “So what?” Harry: “So she said to him, ‘Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I’ve been telling you about’.”

Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist? Because she thought everybody loved her.

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking […]